Men Will Stick Their Dicks In Anything

NOTE: The following post has graphic descriptions of things Men do. Trigger warningIf you are a Man who doesn’t do these things, thanks. Tell your friends they should stop doing these things. 

When I was in my 20s, I had a particular fondness for Bob’s Big Boy. He was really cute and really pudgy. Also, he was really everywhere, and as a poor student and poor wage earner for most of that time (the 1990s), I could count on the Big Boy to feed me cheaply (and vegetarianly – I was a vegetarian for all that time, so I’ve never actually had an actual Big Boy Burger. I assume they are actually terrible).

Knowing my love of the Big Boy, one of my best friends gave me a Bob’s Big Boy Bank!  To save my Lesbian coins!

A Bank!

Like this one.

!BPmDjqwBWk~$(KGrHgoOKkEEjlLm(F82BJ0(B,BWb!~~_35
Look how cute he is!

Oh and I used it AS A BANK. That is, I used it for its intended purpose and put coins in it. I saved the coins until Bob got heavy, then I would roll the coins (remember rolling coins?) and deposit them at the bank. I kept him on my big awkward Ikea (because it was the 1990s) bookshelf that was really huge.

Now, one day, a Male relative/friend/acquaintance from OUT OF TOWN (let’s call him Dick, why not!) called to say he would be in town and would I mind putting him up. Me, being a nice, accommodating relative/friend/acquaintance/WOMAN, said “Sure! Why not!” I even offered him my bedroom, as I had a girlfriend I could stay with not too far away.

Easy, peasy. He stayed for a few days, I showed him Baltimore and D.C., and then I drove him to the bus station.

See ya!

When I returned to my home, which I shared with three housemates (my rent was only $250! I miss Charles Village), I set about to cleaning my room, because Dick was really messy. As I carefully put books back on shelves and dirty clothes in the laundry basket, I noticed something…wasn’t…right. Something was missing from the awkward Ikea bookshelf.

Bob was missing!

I looked around, and noticed that Bob was laying on the floor, on his side, next to my wickedly uncomfortable futon (again, the 1990s. I also had this chair from Pier One).

Why would Bob be on the floor by the futon, I wondered?

I picked him up and shook him – and there was no money inside!

“Goddamn it,” I thought. “Dick stole my money.”

Oh, if only the story ended there.

Oh, if only Dick has simply stolen my money like a normal asshole.

But it doesn’t. And he didn’t. I looked at the bottom of Bob and noticed that the plug that keeps the money in was gone. And when I looked inside, I saw something that left me speechless.

A quarter. Was stuck. To the inside of Bob’s head.

Um.

Yes. Yes, you see. Dick had masturbated with Bob.

And simply left him on the floor.

Talk about a Sperm Bank.

I am guessing it went down something like this. Dick, lying in my futon, decided to get freaky with himself and saw Bob on the shelf. I am guessing, maybe, he had PRIOR EXPERIENCE with banks (or he found divine inspiration in my bedroom), quickly unplugged Bob, dumped his contents (on the floor, later into his pockets), and gave Bob a new plug.

When I told my housemate and gifter of Bob what Dick had done, she laughed uproariously (much to my dismay, as I felt traumatized). We gave Bob a hot bath and grief counseling.

I have told this story (many times) since this happened (including to my mother and HIS mother, who told me I was “nasty” for telling her what her Male child did) because it’s weird and gross and a funny story and a good ice breaker. I haven’t spent a lot of time on the fact that although it shocked me at the time, the story simply demonstrates that Men Will Stick Their Dicks In Anything.

Men Will Stick Their Dicks In Anything.

Don’t believe me? Just Google “Man stick dick in.” Seriously. Do it (TRIGGER WARNINGS GALORE). You’ll find this guy sticking his aluminum foil-covered dick in an electrical outlet. Another guy put his dick in a fan (the cooling-off kind of fan) because the lead singer of Nickelback asked him to. Another guy stuck his dick in a steel tube, requiring surgery to extract it. Men have also fucked park benchesbicyclestrees and cars.  Gay Men fancy the glory hole!

Oh and on and on, so FUNNY.

So hilarious!

There are even “bizarre” inventions that Regular Men are supposed to scoff at, as if *they’d* never stick their dick in something so… weird.

Oh and not something “Regular Men” do.

Let’s see…

Men stick their dicks in their pets.

And horses.

And drunk or stoned Women.

And Women dying of cancer.

And Dead Women. Like, more than once.

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Hai. A woman died in my house, so I did what any Dick would do. I fucked her corpse. She wasn’t even using it!

Oh, and “disabled men” will stick their dicks in prostituted Women, which causes concern only because WHAT ABOUT THE DISABLED MEN??

Aberrations, right?

But, no. I think, actually, that Regular Guys think about sticking their dicks in Objects a lot.

In truth, “our” culture is geared towards getting Men to think about sticking their dicks in Objects, err, Women (hai Sexual Objectification) as often as possible. It’s pervasive, everywhere, inescapable, the norm.

And so while there are always these stories of so-called “weird” Men who somehow go awry and stick their dicks into Other Objects, we ignore the reality that the same mental process occurs when Men stick their dicks in Women Object (or think about it). It’s not actually abnormal that Men would also occasionally fuck other Objects like a plastic bank, a couch, a bicycle. Men are trained for this from jump. Like Men’s Magazines publishing shit like this (TRIGGER WARNING):

The act of masturbating is basically simulating a vagina. The Endless Vagina (masturbation technique) is simulating a vagina that never ends. Fairly self explanatory. The Endless Vagina is achieved by making a fist with one hand and sliding it down over the penis. When the head of the penis emerges slide the other hand down. Rinse and repeat until desired results are achieved.

The Endless Vagina! (Hey you freak! It’s actually your hand! You’re an asshole!)

"What I've got you've got to get it put it in you" = Man Fucks Woman (Subject Verb Object)
“What I’ve got you’ve got to get it put it in you” = Man Fucks Woman (Subject Verb Object)

Our culture affirms on a daily basis that Women are Vaginas for Men to Stick Their Dicks Into (or, in the case of Trans Women, that being a Woman is getting a hole where your dick used to be or, if you don’t want to part with Your Dick, that Lesbians are Objects who should appreciate Ladystick).

This is the point of Women. I mean, The Onion gets this – this is comedy gold! Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.”

FUNNY!

But it’s true.

Which is not funny at all.

We laugh at guys like Gerard Streator, who fucked a couch (Inanimate Object) on the street in Wisconsin, but not at any other Man masturbating to Porn or doing The Endless Vagina (Women Object)? What is wrong with this picture?

Hai! I fucked a couch.
Hai! I fucked a couch.

It’s the same Objectification. Indeed, it’s MORE harmful for Women (who, by the way, are human beings, not furniture), obviously, to have you sticking your dicks in us or using Porn and thinking about sticking your dicks in us than it is to have to sticking it into a Bob’s Big Boy Bank or a couch (as an aside, if all Rape and Violence Against Women would be cured by couch fucking, I would be ALL FOR IT, preferably on your own planet, away from us).

But our culture normalizes one behavior (sticking dicks in Women) and marginalizes the other (sticking dicks in couch).

Whatever you think about Sticking Your Dick In, you, Regular Men, are a problem for Women. If you walk around thinking about Sticking Your Dick Into Women, you are a menace to Women. If you walk around thinking about what you will “do to” Women with your dick, you are a failure as a Human.

Try Keeping Your Dick To Yourself.

Or buy your own fucking Big Boy Bank and leave mine alone.

Andy Samberg

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